i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
