Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she told me i tasted like america
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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