someone threw a dead crab at me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
