I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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