Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
