Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
