She said her name was "party"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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