I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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