Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
