if only i could text you this smell
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
