His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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