i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
