I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize