The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
