i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
