508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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