why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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