he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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