just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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