i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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