Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize