I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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