P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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