He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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