so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
