Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i think i just lost a toe
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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