too bad you live with your parents still
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
