sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
