You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
