so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
