I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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