LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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