i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
