I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
