I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
