her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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