The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
