plz talk dirty to me
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize