So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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