the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
