Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
