omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
This house was built for laser tag.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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