Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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