the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He called his prostate his "boner button".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize