How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's shark week go big or go home
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
