you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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