I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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