This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
