Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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