woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
