The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
