Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
