Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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