That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
