I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i was born a porn star she said
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize