peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im six kinds of drunk right now
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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