KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
