Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
