I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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