I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
