I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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