sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
