and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
