You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
